Humor - Parents

 Contents

• What my Mother Taught Me
• Are You Ready to Be a Parent
• Stages of Parenthood

 What My Mother Taught Me

Someone sent this to me just a few days before my mother died.  One of the things that I remember most about my mom was her sense of humor, so this was really comforting, especially because I can look back and remember her saying most of these to me.  Uploaded Mothers Day 2008.

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me that anything worth doing was worth doing well - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me religion - "You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic - "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me about gravity - "I don't care if all your friends get to do it.  If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it also?"

My mother taught me foresight - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."  (When I was in junior high school, the brake chain snapped on my bike and I had to stop by running into a sand pile.  She took me to the hospital with a broken leg.  As my mother watched, the nurses had to cut my jeans off, and out poured several gallons of sand.  Mom worked as a nurse at that hospital herself and couldn't stop laughing as she relayed to the other nurses about how many times she had used the clean underwear saying.)

My mother taught me about irony - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about contorsionism - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about agriculture - "Do you think money grows on trees?"

My mother taught me about patience - "You just wait 'till your father gets home!"

My mother taught me about stamina - "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about the value of education - "When your father and I was your age, we walked ten miles to school, in the snow, and it was uphill both ways."

My mother taught me about the weather - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve physics and astronomy problems - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about math - "I'm going to give you to the count of three!"

My mother taught me about language - "What part of NO do you not understand?"

My mother taught me about hypocrisy - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me the circle of life - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about behavior modification - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about hygiene - "If I hear that again, I'll wash your mouth out with soap!"

My mother taught me about finances - "When you start paying the bills, you can start making the rules"

My mother taught me about envy - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about justice - "When you have kids, I hope they turn out just like you!"

THANKS, MOM!  I can't wait to see you again!

[Top of Page]    [Humor Main Page]

 Are You Ready to be a Parent?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front.   Leave it there for nine months.  After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
    
2. Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.  Next, go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
    
3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild.  Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
    
4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.  At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again with the bag until 1 a.m.  Put the alarm on for 3 a.m.  Since you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea.  Go to bed at 2:45 a.m.   Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m.  Get up.  Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.
    
5. Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that look?
    
6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this--all morning.
    
7. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now get a toilet paper tube.  Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.  Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
    
8. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van.  And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that.  Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.  Get a quarter.  Stick it in the cd player.  Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.  Mash them down the back seats.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.  There!  Perfect!
    
9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.  Go out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.  Come back in.  Go out again.  Walk down the front path.  Walk back up it again.  Walk down it again.  Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.  Retrace your steps.  Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you.  Give up and go back in the house.  You're now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
    
10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
     
11. Go to your local supermarket.  Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child with you.  A fully grown goat is excellent.  If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate taking your child.
     
12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.  Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the hole of the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.  Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone.  Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
     
13. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends' and 'Sesame Street'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Comment:  Despite certain hardships, children are a gift from God.  There are very few things in life more amazing than a mother's for her children.  There are also very few greater responsibilities than to be godly parents.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.  (Ps 127:3, NASB)

S0, don't neglect the most important things:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  (Prov 22:6, ESV)

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.   (Eph 6:4, NRSV)

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.   (Dt 6:5-7)

[Top of Page]    [Humor Main Page]

 Stages of Parenthood

Comment:  The older we get, the smarter our parents become.

[Top of Page]    [Humor Main Page]